Today is my 4 year surgiversary.

I keep wondering when will be the time when I don’t feel a need to celebrate or be reflective on the anniversary of my surgery?   If I had this whole thing figured out by now, maybe I would not be as compelled. I have say that I am further and further from figuring this thing out the more years go by.  So it always seems to come down to what I do know and what I don’t know.

 

WHAT I DO KNOW!

1.       This journey ain’t for sissies.

2.       It is possible that you will shape shift and move through a size on the way down? And then find yourself being acquainted with that size again on the way up.

3.       It is possible to eat normal portions eventually and then you will have to watch what you eat just like anyone else.

4.       The scale will always be the devil, so find other ways to measure success.

5.       Support from people who know what you are going through is worth more than gold.

6.       In the end it is all up to me to use the tool I have been given,  a hammer has no value until it is picked up and used to hammer a nail.

7.       Jason is a gift from the universe to me and I am lucky I found someone to love me regardless of what my weight is.

8.       YOUR HONEYMOON PERIOD WILL END! Do not get too ****y.

9.       That which I fear I create. The more I fear gaining the weight back, the more weight I gain.

10.   Your skinny nutritionist has no damn idea what to do with patients that are further out and actually have to make real nutritional decisions on a daily basis.

11.   Do not let your surgeon decide whether you are happy with your weight loss or not.

12.   Everyone must learn how to connect thoughts, feelings and behaviors in order to make life long changes in how they deal with food.

13.   IT IS OK TO ENJOY FOOD!

14.   You will lose momentum and confidence.

15.   Plastics do not fix self esteem.

WHAT I DON"T KNOW

1.       I don’t know how this journey will end, I still sometimes fear that in the future they will discover some awful side effect from having the surgery.

2.       How I am going to secure long term success, I still struggle with old demons.

3.       I don’t know how to get rid of those demons?  I have done a lot of work and for some reason the scale still moves.

4.       I don’t know how to fill the hole that eating has left.

5.       To make health decisions about food, it is either bad or good, not just food.

6.       How to enjoy exercise or make  it a priority.

7.       I don’t know why I can wear a size 14 in some things and a 18 in others???

8.       If I will ever have this figured out? I am fighting this daily instead of embracing the process.

9.       I don’t know if I love myself enough to hang in there and finish this thing.

10.   I don’t know how to be happy eating 800-1000 calories per day?

11.   Why white bread is like crack to me.

12.   How to help others on their journey when I struggle everyday.

 

 

I do not regret this surgery ever ever! It saved my life, but now that I have to participate in life and the rest of the world it is sometimes hard. I am used to not being considered, left in the back ground, ridiculed or being invisible. Now people are paying attention, including me, and is scares me. Low self esteem does not go away just because you lose weight. I still feel like I don’t have anything interesting to say, that people think I am boring. That I am not smart enough, witty enough, or have something to contribute Damn it was a lot easier blaming all the insecurities on being fat.  Wonder what my 5^th anniversary will be like? One year wiser and one size smaller I hope.

Nicole--

Congrats on your 4 year surgiversary and on 4 years of success and wisdom gained on this journey!!!

You are such a true and complete inspiration to me. Your insights and knowledge and your willingness to share is just amazing! Your post was so profound and true and just a beautiful statement on what this journey is and can be for so many of us. I hope to be able to be ashonest and thoughtful with the process and journey as you are. This post was just a beautiful way to sum up what an emotional and mental journey this is...it is not just about the scale ...there are so many other components to it.

I wish you nothing but the best this year...I know you will continue to succeed because you are very committed to the process and what it can do to chage your life.  Enjoy all your successes --you deserve it! --KEEP ON SUCCESSING EVERY DAY!! HAPPY SURGIVERSARY!!! :-)

Congratulations on 4 years of continuing successing, Nicole.  Here is wishing you many, many more!

Dawn

Nicole,

Happy Surgiversary!!!!! You are SO worth it! Obviously, Jason sees that!! I have some of the same insecurities, but I am working on it! Every morning I wake up, I get dressed and do my hair and make up. I look in the mirror and smile at myself and what I have accomplished. I am actually beginning to like who I see in that mirror. I remember having a conversation with my mom when I was young. She said to me that if you tell a child enough times that they are stupid, they will believe it. The same is true for positive things like saying you are a beautiful person!! Even as adults we need that positive reinforcement that we are worthwhile. So hear it is.....


You are a beautiful person inside and out! Thank you for all of your insight and sharing those insecurities that many of us deal with.
Love and hugs, Beth

Congratulations Nicole!

I think that reflection and celebration are good things - life changed for you four years ago! And that is worth commemorating.

I appreciate your lists....and learn much from those ahead of me on the journey.

Profound and true...
but for today, enjoy your surgiversary - you deserve it!
Lou

Nicole, thank you so much for sharing your knowlege with all of us.  You are such a wealth of information and support for so many people. 

Thank you, also, for always being honest about your struggles.  It makes it that much more real for the rest of us who are not as far out as you are.  

You are a strong woman and you can and will get through this by just taking everything one day at a time, one meal at a time, one hour at a time. 

I am so grateful to have you in my life. 

wow - as always you are so insightful!!! Just remember that most of the time we are tremendously harder on ourselves then anyone else will ever be! I for one think that you are doing an amazing job just being able to realize all the things that are going on and work through them! I am only a few months behind you  and never would have come across many of the things you said on my own.

You are a huge inspiration, a pillar of strength (even when things are looking rough), an amazing friend and a huge wealth of knowledge! I am so glad that RNY and Dr Brader brought our worlds together. Jason is one lucky man to have you!!

Love You Lots and Keep on celebrating surgiversaries!  I don't think that they should ever loose their importance.

Happy 4 years, Nicole!!! 

Congratulations (a day late...) on your 4 year surgiversary - you made some excellent points and your post was very open and honest, and I commend you for that - having the wisdom to see and recognize a lot of your fears is always the first step, right?

And you know, none of us are BORN with low self-esteem and insecurities - for me it grew inside of me as the fat on me - sadly it didn't go away as quickly, but every day I feel better about myself and the choices I'm making now - and how I'm fitting in with the 'real' world and not making excuses or blaming situations for why I didn't fit in before.

We all know this is a journey - one step at a time - sometimes we falter - sometimes we hit the ground running - but we all have to take it day by day, and keep encouraging each other thru the ups and downs.

You have done an amazing job with your tool, but you're also HUMAN like the rest of us - with fears, joys, hopes and dreams - and we're all out here for you.

Kathy